7 posts tagged “life unfolds”
Been having some computer issues this morning (nothing major...just the universe's way of telling me to get off this machine). ;) I wanted to bring you up to date. Around midnight on Thursday night, our school board voted 3-2 to keep our secondary schools configured the way they are now for one more year. What that means is that the 9th graders will remain at the junior highs instead of making our high school a 4-year one, and all three junior highs (including the one where I work) will remain open.
I barely had time to let the reality of that late-night decision sink in though because first thing Friday morning the principal called those of us who work in the classified union into her office to remind us that cuts to our union are coming next. I don't know what that will mean for my job. The next board meeting is April 17 and I don't know what will be on the agenda.
I appreciate everyone's support through what's been an anxious couple of months. Now that the school has been saved, I need to turn my focus inward and figure out what *I* want to do next (school) year. Because I don't want to put a lot of energy into trying to keep some sort of (even cobbled-together) position there for next year if my heart's not in it.
I'm feeling WAY behind personally...with online stuff...going through paperwork at home...we need to still do our tax returns...and getting myself fully healthy again. (We'll see if my brother's home remedy of local honey makes a difference in my hay fever--just bought a jar at the farmer's market.) ;) I need to get back into my own good graces (if that makes sense). Not to mention that it's the 5th and I haven't written a single poem yet for National Poetry Month.
I'm craving some decompression time this weekend. Quiet time...looking inward. I did want to mention though that today is my 'sobriety birthday'--18 years sober today. That's my proudest accomplishment--because no one or no thing can ever take that away from me.
I woke this morning thinking about trust. I'm having a hard time trusting people in my 'real' life--getting burned a lot lately. I fear this will sound horribly cynical and I honestly don't mean it that way: I all too easily forget that big-hearted actions tend not to accompany small mindedness. And the result is that I end up feeling hurt. I tend to want to offer things up coming from a big-hearted place and it can feel painful when one's heart offerings are rejected or not even acknowledged. I'm not going through any heavy-duty thing--if you were a fly on the wall, you might even wonder what I'm referring to. It's just this: We can't make people receive gifts...we can only offer them. Sometimes the lack of receptivity can start to wear us down. Come late summer, I'd like to find myself in a place where my gifts are welcomed. That's all.
And now I'm going to step away from the computer and enjoy some of this sunshine. Have a wonderful weekend!
I apologize for going so long between posts. I apologize for not getting caught up this weekend on reading all of your blogs (that was my intention but it didn't happen). I'm kind of in that in-between place...a sort of limbo...a waiting...about to enter a passageway...but not yet having crossed the threshold...
This has been a remarkable week in some ways, filled with some unexpected (personal) highs and also some sadness (as some of our beloved teachers got pink slips). We found ourselves being discussed on NPR's "All Things Considered" last week. (They did a story about the budget crisis in this district, focusing mostly on our small technical high school. Thanks to Sam for letting me know about it.) The NBC station in Sacramento did a story on their evening news the other night. There have been countless Letters to the Editor written to our local newspaper, blog posts and comments written in support of keeping the school open, and a rally scheduled to take place Tuesday afternoon outside the school district headquarters. But it may be too late--at least it appears that way. Closure of our school is on the agenda for Thursday evening's school board meeting.
It's been a week filled with much thinking and pondering and introspection...but very little personal resolution. The school may or may not close; I may or may not have a job when my current contract expires. What I'm grappling with is personal. Even if my job remains safe, will I want to continue for another year? This hasn't been a very stimulating year for me. Removing my activities work from the equation reminded me why I'd gone out of my way to volunteer for so much of it in the first place. I'm left with (what feels to me like) a shell of a job. And yet it provides me with great benefits and I don't take that lightly, nor do I take lightly the incredible amount of time off I'm granted. This is not a job I would step away from without some serious consideration, since it gives me so much freedom in some ways. The decisions I'm grappling with fall outside of that--they're more about stepping out in a big picture sort of way. And I got a lot of validation from the universe this week to do just that. But old hermit habits die hard... ;)
The photo above came to mind as I was standing in the shower today, as did the one below. This one was taken from our campsite at Clear Lake State Park over the 4th of July our first summer here in 2005. I loved that campsite--loved this view of the lake. Thinking about this photo out of the blue today, all I could think was: Leap, Marilyn! The water's fine...
The first thing I saw when I sat down at the computer this morning was this email from TUT:
What if the word "work" was changed to "dance-with- life," Marilyn? And instead of it being viewed as an alternative to fishing or a way of "paying your dues," it was seen as a chance to meet a parade of new friends, discover your own untested potentials and unpolished gifts, and open avenues for abundance to come pouring into your life?
Yeah, I bet lottery sales would plummet.
The UniverseNeedless to say, it seemed timely. Jeffrey and I talked a bit last night about what my workplace changes (if they happen) could mean for us...(or not). I woke this morning feeling something really clearly (and something that I hadn't felt clear on at all until this morning): I don't want to move. I love our little house. I love our lawn. I know that might seem silly to some people, but I'm 53 years old and I've never had my own yard until now. (I've shared houses with roommates, but was always the secondary tenant.) We have trees and a place where we can grow tomatoes and a tiny porch with a wicker love seat and bamboo blinds where I love to read when it's warm. And we can walk and bike everywhere. I love that we have a garage where J. can get as "Tool Time" as he wants. It's a teensy place, but in all honesty (and I told him this at one point), it's the first place that's ever felt like home to me (and I'm including my childhood home). It's not about the town where we live because, truthfully, it can have a bit of a weird vibe to it even though it's a politically, socially and culturally progressive place. It's about our place. (And our rent is manageable.) So I just wanted to put that out there. I think it will make my life a lot simpler because, trust me, my head was ALL OVER THE PLACE trying to ponder every imaginable option.
(Disclaimer: I'm a woman and I retain my right to change my mind at any given moment.) ;)
This was one of the earliest photo collages I posted to this blog. I was reminded of it tonight when, in catching up a tiny bit (I still have a long way to go), I went by Andrea's blog and saw a link to danceminute.com. Most of you probably don't know that dance was my earliest passion. So much so--and feeling so utterly regretful that I hadn't pursued it beyond the stray class here or there...or teen years creating cheesy choreography in my bedroom, some of which was performed by my school's dance/drill team...or choreographing and performing a modern dance for a school show that included a black light strobe light (what can I say, it was the early 70's) that I decided to devote my 25th year to it. Two days a week, I'd drive an hour each way to a community college that had a dance program and dance from morning to night, even taking a class on dance history. Jazz, Afro-Haitian, modern, ballet...I was in heaven. It didn't matter to me that I was the oldest one in the room (aside from the instructors)--I was indulging my passion. A year later my jazz and Afro-Haitian teacher happened to walk into the boutique where I was working (I'd relocated by that time to the area where I'd been studying). We were surprised to see each other (I was no longer dancing). She told me I had natural talent and hoped I'd continued dancing. But truthfully, it was too much work at that point. I hadn't laid the groundwork with my body when I was younger (and I have a naturally tight body), and it was hard to go from zero to sixty in nothing flat. Dance is still one of my big loves. But because I love it so much, I often steer clear of it because the joy of watching it can be accompanied by pangs of regret. I want to be able to enjoy it again. So when I saw that link to danceminute.com, I checked it out...and watched every video on the site. (And if you don't want to work your way back through the archives by watching each one, let me just hip you to the fact that the first video from June '07 is a short, sweet delight.) ;) I love the videos because in addition to being a dancer herself, Monica Gillette is a film editor, so she brings a filmmaker's sensibility to her video work.
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Thank you for all of your kind comments re the job situation. The school board has delayed a final decision on closing my school until their next meeting on the 20th. I'll know more (hopefully) after that. There was a marathon board meeting on Thursday night. Watching at home, I was fiercely proud of some of our students who spoke in a packed chamber to the board, pleading their case to save their school. In the meantime, budget cuts proceed as planned. Friday's paper said 91 layoff notices will go out this week district-wide, mostly to certificated staff (teachers, administrators, counselors, librarians, psychologists). Cuts that could affect the classified union (mine) haven't been determined yet. There's no point in worrying about it. Either I'll have a new contract on August 1 or I won't. In the meantime, there's life to be savored...and I intend to savor it.
I'm also feeling teary...and confused...and sad...and... I don't know. We learned on Tuesday that our school board is now seriously considering closing my school. If that happens, I don't know if it would happen before Fall 2009. Then again, we don't know what's going to happen at this point. There was a long board meeting on Monday night and the newspaper account made it sound like they put pretty much everything on the table in terms of options. There's another board meeting on Thursday night, and given that one of the main thrusts of that article was closing our school, I expect there'll be a big turnout from parents at the next meeting.
The first thought I had upon waking this morning was that I'd gladly surrender my job if my salary could be put toward saving a music or art or language or science class...or toward a librarian's salary. After all, pretty much anyone could be trained to do what I'm paid to do. All the value-added stuff--all the stuff that makes me valuable to my school--I basically donate because it falls outside my job description. Those kinds of thoughts lead to other thoughts. What do I really want to do anyway? Because it's not about any particular job. I've had a zillion of them. And that's all they are to me--jobs. They're work I perform at others' beck and call in return for a steady paycheck.
It's not like I haven't been asking myself that question for decades. Although, to be honest, I probably came to that question much later than most of you, because in childhood, adolescence and even into my 20's, I thought only other people got to do what they wanted to do. It took me awhile to fully grasp that no matter what messages were handed down--and what messages were fully absorbed by a younger version of yourself--the possibilities are endless.
Thank you so very much for your sweet comments on my cruise post. As someone said yesterday when I informed my coworkers that I'd be missing one extra day of work because of the cruise: the winds of change are blowing...and there's no better place for pondering those changes than the open water...
Please watch this 36-second video of Amazonian rainforest silence in Brazil...and then read my post...
In response to Linda's comment on the post below, yes, it's been several days since I posted. Not to worry--everything's okay. It was just a very tiring, stressful week at work, and given the amount of computer time I was putting in, the last thing I felt like doing when I got home was sitting down at our computer trying to think up a post.
This video is rather emblematic of how I've been feeling...like I can't see the forest for the trees. I see all of you...just like the camera panned to the people sitting on the log...and just like that image, I feel a bit separate at the moment. I just need to be a little extra self-nurturing right now to counterbalance the work stuff. So please forgive me if I've been behind in my blog reading or leaving comments or checking in with you in any way. It's not you (as they say), it's me. I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed, because this time of the school year is a very busy one for me anyway...and now there's all this added stress.
I had nearly a 12-hour workday on Wednesday. I met a friend for tea on Thursday evening and was glad to see her, but I probably wasn't very good company because I was so worn out. We met at Peet's and after chatting with her for a couple of hours, I grabbed the latte I'd promised J and one for myself and headed home. I crawled into bed with my latte and a novel I was just starting. Insanity! It was 9:00--I'd be up all night! Not. I couldn't stay awake long enough to finish the latte. I'm writing this after midnight on Saturday night. I laid down at 4:00 this afternoon to take a short nap...and slept for 7 hours. I've felt worn out this week--physically, mentally, emotionally.
Morale at school is in the tank. We don't know (as I write this) what's going to happen at our school. We may lose some staff members...or we may lose a lot of them if they shut down our school and fold those with seniority into positions at other sites...or they might make us a magnet school...or... They're floating every option imaginable out there. And our school is already staffed at a bare-bones level. It's already a challenge coming up with class schedules given our staffing. A few years ago my school had 1,000 students--now we have just over 500. (They opened a third junior high a few years ago and opened up enrollment when they did. Some families chose to put their kids in the brand-new, fully-equipped school on the other side of town and our enrollment dropped dramatically. We have hundreds of students less than our sister schools.)
It didn't go over well with parents when at the board meeting a week ago Thursday, the board showed a Powerpoint presentation that included the shutting-the-school option. Parents were upset that they weren't warned ahead of time. I told those who shared those feelings with me, "Hey, don't feel bad--I didn't even hear from other staff members that that had been presented until several days later."
The administrators are orchestrating get-togethers to try to keep morale up--to try, I suppose, to keep us feeling like a 'family.' But I always end up feeling horribly awkward at those things. Although I have no doubt that I'm well-liked and well-respected by my coworkers (because I get showered with those sentiments year-round from them), it's not unusual to find me sitting alone at one of those gatherings staring off into space. I am a very shy person (which you might not think upon first glance). Hell, it was one of the reasons I drank--to feel more comfortable in public settings!
But there's something deeper at play. And please don't take what I'm about to say as some deluded self-perception that I'm some sort of saint--far, far from it. I can be a horribly judgmental, impatient bitch at times. But in my heart, I'm always rooting for and looking out for the underdog. I can get so wrapped up in trying to look out for others' interests that I often forget to look out for my own. It's happened many, many times. And I've also learned the hard way that during times like this, you might think that someone's got your back because you've made the wrongful assumption that their heart's in a place similar to yours...when in fact it isn't true.
So I'm not taking anything for granted. And to be honest, I'm not even worrying about whether or not I'll have a job come August 1st. Either I will...or I won't. (I have an 11-month contract. I'm off the month of July, but on a 12-paycheck set-up which means I get less each month but at least have income for July.) I've had so many dozens of jobs in my life thus far--there's no point in worrying about it. Granted, I've never been laid off before, but I've got money in the district's pension plan and a bunch of unused leave. If I do lose my job, at least I'll have access to some cash. (And as someone who lived sort of underground for years, you have no idea how weird it is for me to occupy a union job in a school district. Me. I can still hardly believe it.)
I will admit there've been a few thoughts on the outer reaches of my consciousness...I can hear that faint voice wondering, "What do I want to do if this job suddenly ceases to exist for me?" And that opens up a whole new can of worms. Because Jeffrey and I aren't tied down by most things that others our age are. We can pretty much do what we do anywhere. That's not to say that we're thinking or talking about moving. Davis is kind of a weird place in terms of people and the vibe here, but I do like the ease of our lifestyle here. I do like our tiny house and the convenience of its location. Besides, most of my peeps are online, so it really doesn't matter that much to me where we live. Rightly or wrongly in other people's books, I'm not seeking stimulation from my community. I'm very adept at creating my own stimulation.
This is all just a long way of saying that I'm okay...just a little overwhelmed at the moment...change (of some sort) is in the air on the work front...and I'm just spending a little less time on the blog so I can spend a little more energy looking after myself.
Hope everyone's having a good weekend. xoxo
I am a slash. I realize now that I've always been a slash--someone who has several passions and the desire to do several things simultaneously. That's why I was always so confused as a young person when adults would ask, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" You mean I'm only supposed to do one of them?? I wanted to be lots of things--a dancer and a runway model and a comic and an actress and a photojournalist (I wasn't totally sure what that was, but when I saw it used to describe people who traveled and wrote stories about it and took the accompanying photographs, I added it to my list) and a drummer (lucky for me that I ended up with one) and a stewardess (it was the 60's--that's what we called them) and a magazine publisher (I wasn't sure what that was either, but Marlo Thomas worked at a magazine in "That Girl" and I wanted to live inside that show. I wanted Marlo's wardrobe and apartment, but Donald's job.) I totally thought I'd be living in Manhattan.
Grown-ups seemed to think you were supposed to do just one thing. How on earth was I supposed to pick?? I truly wanted to be a:
dancer/model/comic/actress/photojournalist/drummer/stewardess/magazine publisher
I felt tormented. I was a slash, but decades before I could even begin to understand what that was. All through my childhood, adolescence and 20's, all I could think was: Please don't make me pick--I love them all! Because I'm not sure I really started seriously giving up on all of those dreams until I hit my 30's. I think until then I thought in the back of my mind that even though I'd been waylaid by some detours, eventually I'd get there. (And writing those last two sentences just made me tear up.)
You'll notice that nowhere in that slash equation did it say anything about working in an office. Jenn (who I'll get to in a second) calls her blog "Life Unfolds." And it does unfold...just not always in the way we might have expected. But here's the thing: I still don't know what I want to do...and I'm 52! That's because I still have a hard time wrapping my head around multiple passions. I have no problem wrapping my heart around them, but get confused when I feel like I'm supposed to forge a niche, a career around them. My slash equation would look different today, but no less creative-seeking.
I've had a few fun jobs along the way, but by and large I've spent a lot of my work life (and I've been working for pay since I started babysitting at age 8) doing things other people wanted me to do, even when doing them made me feel like I was kicking and screaming inside the entire time. (Which probably explains my covert glee when an Organizational Development Consultant I worked with years ago had me do a Myers-Briggs test and said she could predict the outcome, since the result was the opposite of what she'd predicted.) I am a creative person who has spent the better part of her work life working in non-creative jobs. There. I've said it. It's taken me 52 years to say it 'out loud.' I am a creative person.
There's something about the blogosphere; there's something unique about this community. It seems to be a place where many of us find our tribe--where we find a place to (sometimes slowly) begin to reveal our authentic selves. That's why blogging (over the last 4+ years) has been such an extraordinary gift. It's helped me to stop beating myself up for those fearful detours I took and to begin finding my way back to the highway of my dreams. But having spent decades, off and on, working in business settings, I cringe when I hear words like "business plan" or "branding" or "marketing." Until today... Finally, business talk I can relate to! :)
Jennifer Lee at Life Unfolds has come up with a totally genius and creative way to do a business plan for all of us creative types who cringe with dread at the thought of writing a traditional one. Check it out here! I got really excited when I saw that post this morning!
Later I popped over to Pamela Slim's Escape from Cubicle Nation (a great blog) where she mentioned being featured in a NYT column on branding. The concept of branding is a nightmare for someone who still doesn't know how to niche herself. That's why I got so excited when I read some of Pam's tips there. Check it out--great ideas!
That led me to further explore Marci Alboher's Shifting Careers column/blog at the New York Times. What a resource for slash types! I can't wait to carve out some time this weekend to read through her columns for tips!
There's hope for me as a slash yet! :)
Lastly, Jamie's prompt at Wishcasting this week is (ironically, given what I wrote above): What do you wish to say out loud? I posted something there yesterday--something many of my readers have said to me, but which I couldn't say out loud myself. Maybe another Wishcasting post might be called for after this one. ;)
