12 posts tagged “dreams”

I am a slash.  I realize now that I've always been a slash--someone who has several passions and the desire to do several things simultaneously.  That's why I was always so confused as a young person when adults would ask, "What do you want to do when you grow up?"  You mean I'm only supposed to do one of them??  I wanted to be lots of things--a dancer and a runway model and a comic and an actress and a photojournalist (I wasn't totally sure what that was, but when I saw it used to describe people who traveled and wrote stories about it and took the accompanying photographs, I added it to my list) and a drummer (lucky for me that I ended up with one) and a stewardess (it was the 60's--that's what we called them) and a magazine publisher (I wasn't sure what that was either, but Marlo Thomas worked at a magazine in "That Girl" and I wanted to live inside that show.  I wanted Marlo's wardrobe and apartment, but Donald's job.)  I totally thought I'd be living in Manhattan.

Grown-ups seemed to think you were supposed to do just one thing.  How on earth was I supposed to pick??  I truly wanted to be a:

dancer/model/comic/actress/photojournalist/drummer/stewardess/magazine publisher

I felt tormented.  I was a slash, but decades before I could even begin to understand what that was.  All through my childhood, adolescence and 20's, all I could think was:  Please don't make me pick--I love them all!  Because I'm not sure I really started seriously giving up on all of those dreams until I hit my 30's.  I think until then I thought in the back of my mind that even though I'd been waylaid by some detours, eventually I'd get there.  (And writing those last two sentences just made me tear up.)

You'll notice that nowhere in that slash equation did it say anything about working in an office.  Jenn (who I'll get to in a second) calls her blog "Life Unfolds."  And it does unfold...just not always in the way we might have expected.   But here's the thing:  I still don't know what I want to do...and I'm 52!  That's because I still have a hard time wrapping my head around multiple passions.  I have no problem wrapping my heart around them, but get confused when I feel like I'm supposed to forge a niche, a career around them.  My slash equation would look different today, but no less creative-seeking.

I've had a few fun jobs along the way, but by and large I've spent a lot of my work life (and I've been working for pay since I started babysitting at age 8) doing things other people wanted me to do, even when doing them made me feel like I was kicking and screaming inside the entire time.  (Which probably explains my covert glee when an Organizational Development Consultant I worked with years ago had me do a Myers-Briggs test and said she could predict the outcome, since the result was the opposite of what she'd predicted.)  I am a creative person who has spent the better part of her work life working in non-creative jobs.  There.  I've said it.  It's taken me 52 years to say it 'out loud.'  I am a creative person. 

There's something about the blogosphere; there's something unique about this community.  It seems to be a place where many of us find our tribe--where we find a place to (sometimes slowly) begin to reveal our authentic selves.  That's why blogging (over the last 4+ years) has been such an extraordinary gift.  It's helped me to stop beating myself up for those fearful detours I took and to begin finding my way back to the highway of my dreams.  But having spent decades, off and on, working in business settings, I cringe when I hear words like "business plan" or "branding" or "marketing."  Until today...  Finally, business talk I can relate to!  :) 

Jennifer Lee at Life Unfolds has come up with a totally genius and creative way to do a business plan for all of us creative types who cringe with dread at the thought of writing a traditional one.  Check it out here!  I got really excited when I saw that post this morning!

Later I popped over to Pamela Slim's Escape from Cubicle Nation (a great blog) where she mentioned being featured in a NYT column on branding.  The concept of branding is a nightmare for someone who still doesn't know how to niche herself.  That's why I got so excited when I read some of Pam's tips there.  Check it out--great ideas!

That led me to further explore Marci Alboher's Shifting Careers column/blog at the New York Times. What a resource for slash types!  I can't wait to carve out some time this weekend to read through her columns for tips!

There's hope for me as a slash yet!  :)

Lastly, Jamie's prompt at Wishcasting this week is (ironically, given what I wrote above):  What do you wish to say out loud?  I posted something there yesterday--something many of my readers have said to me, but which I couldn't say out loud myself.  Maybe another Wishcasting post might be called for after this one.  ;)

In your ultimate dream house, what does your favorite room look like?

Synchronicity!  This is so weird...  I'm really tired right now.  I fell asleep yesterday right after an early dinner and woke up at 12:45...and I've been up all night.  I was doing okay until about an hour ago, and now I feel like I could sleep for 8 hours, except I have to go to work.  If I fall asleep now, I'll be really tired an hour later.

I was trying to come up with anything that would inspire me to write some semblance of a post and as I just walked into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee in the French press, I spied Keri Smith's Living Out Loud on the bookshelf in the kitchen.  And I thought of one of my favorite exercises in that book, "Lifestyle for Sale."  And then I opened up Vox and saw this QotD.  The two tie in nicely together--for me anyway.  In "Lifestyle for Sale," Keri asks, "If you were to open a lifestyle store, what would you sell?"  But more importantly, she asks, "What kind of space would be appropriate for you?"

These two exercises tie in nicely together because for me both answers would be similar.  My favorite places that I've lived in have been old homes.  I like old and funky.  I like rounded shapes.  I could never live in a home full of modern furniture with sharp edges.  Maybe because I'm thin I crave soft furniture--stuff you can sink into or that will at least provide some comfort.  Comfort matters way more than style to me. 

I don't care for collections (for ME--I don't care if you have them).  I don't like to own a lot of STUFF, but I can be horribly cluttered.  (Mostly with papers--I HATE organizing papers at home.)  I like kitschy Americana.  On our kitchen table is a small, late-60's, B&W Zenith TV that my mother bought when she left my childhood home and divorced my Dad.  It sits next to an antique GE tube radio identical to the one my Italian grandmother had in her kitchen when I was a child.  (And they both work.) 

If I were to open a store, I'd ideally want it to be in an old home.  I'd probably decorate it with corny old stuff that I love from my youth.  I wouldn't sell that kind of stuff though, because I know myself well enough to know I'd be unable to part with it.  There'd be curtains (no blinds).  Lots of comfy places to sit. Bright colors on the walls.  Mismatched mugs to serve coffee and tea.  (And if you were to open our kitchen cupboard, that's what you'd find now.)  A record player so I could provide ambient music from old vinyl.  There might be an old travel trailer parked out front to serve as a mobile coffee house.  Room just enough for a few a time.  A hammock strung between two trees in the yard for whiling away time reading the magazines you bought inside.  Okay, I admit it--I'd love to own a coffee house.  But as you can tell, not a traditional one.  (We've talked about it for years.)  My own Moojo Cafe where we could have live music and poetry readings and people would feel comfortable hanging out and there'd be activities for kids and community events.

As far as a 'dream room' is concerned...  My ultimate master suite in a dream home wouldn't be very modern.  I'd want a big, comfy bed.  A sitting area with a big, oversized armchair--probably in a big, fat floral print (emphasis on BIG)--and a good reading lamp.  There'd be a big desk, but not a traditional one--maybe one made from an old door.  Something with lots of space.  There'd be a laptop, but also a funky old typewriter.  Lamps instead of overhead or track lighting.  A huge window that opens with curtains--maybe a window seat under it.  I'd have an altar for all the little touchstones that call to me.  Plenty of candles.  If there was a TV in the room, it would only be for watching DVD's.  A small stereo.  A clawfoot tub in the bathroom (I've had a few and there's nothing better--so deep!)  A separate shower with multiple heads.  Even better, an outdoor shower.  Obviously my dream bathroom would be in a location where privacy wouldn't be an issue--where you could have the windows wide open and open to nature.  There'd be French doors that would lead from the bedroom to a wooden deck with some comfy chaises and chairs.  An outdoor desk under a canopy. A large grassy lawn, because I think walking barefoot in grass is one of life's truly great pleasures.

And you?

My Capricorn horoscope from today's Free Will Astrology newsletter:

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A Capricorn reader recently accused me of being too upbeat and utopian. He said that your tribe needs "more gristle and bone and sinew." He suggested that I travel to the Sudan or Iraq, and expose my tender perspective to scenes of blood and fire. In lieu of carrying out that proposal (which was impossible given my limited funds and time), I instead watched three war movies before composing your horoscope. Here it is: I dare you to give your highest hopes and most idealistic dreams a trial by fire that raises those hopes and dreams to a higher octave.

Michelle asked in this post what our theme for the year is.  Hers is "fullness."  I commented that I think mine will be "fearless."  I'm really in a place of just not giving a shit about holding back anymore--no longer wanting to rein myself in to avoid the judgment of petty, small-minded people. 

And I like what Brezny wrote, too:  "a higher octave."  Maybe that's it--I want to keep doing what I've been doing, but take it up a notch.

I also loved this list he had in today's newsletter:

YOUR SLEDGEHAMMER AND WATER COLOR BRUSH: A Love Letter

Thank your mother for the pain she endured while birthing you.

For three minutes on the first Friday of every month, close your eyes and imagine yourself riding a wild horse through a cemetery.

Fantasize that your so-called "dark side" is sweet and creamy.

When you come home after a day of triumphs, take out the garbage.

Dream you're a red-tailed hawk soaring over a shopping mall.

Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you.

Buy seven used gowns worn to the Academy Awards show by famous actresses, and send them gratis to seven Guatemalan teenagers.

Visualize two versions of yourself, one male and one female, holding hands as they gaze into a reflection of the moon on a river.

Keep an image of a sphinx with you at all times.

Go to his site and look at what he's doing in the photo.  :)

What's on your "do before I die" list?
Submitted by Caroline.

What a great thing to think about at the beginning of the year!  Although I have some ideas that float around in my mind, I don't think I've ever written down one of these "before I die" lists.  In no particular order...  Go to Portugal.  Write, stage and perform a one-woman show.  Write a screenplay.  Go to London.  Live in Europe for awhile.  Go back to New York.  Become more active at Glide again.  Own a coffee house/bookstore/performance space.  (J and I even used our architectural software to draw up plans for one when we lived in the islands.)  Publish a book of essays.  Study photography and have my own darkroom (a desire since I was a kid).  Lead workshops.  (The content doesn't even matter--I just like to facilitate and lead groups).  Wirte more poetry and go to some readings/slams.  Stay in Malibu.  (Don't care about having our own place there--just want to stay there awhile...did it once, briefly).  Own a sports car.  Start podcasting.  My big dream used to be to be a media entrepreneur--that's probably still an overarching dream, only now I'd rather use online technology.  Be self-supporting.  Get back to wearing the types of clothes I prefer.  Own another pair of red cowboy boots (it's all in the boots).  Camp on our land outside Taos.  Stand on our Colorado land--to run through those five acres knowing that it's MINE (ours).  Travel a lot.  Drive cross-country and write a book about it. 

I have a feeling that this will be a list I'll be returning to time and again.  Thanks, Caroline!

French philosopher Gaston Bachelard says that "great dreamers possess intimacy with the world."  The artist in us and among us shares intimacy and returns one's intimacy with the world, nourishing the community with one's inner experience.  This process of intimacy shared feels a lot like a sacred experience.  ~Matthew Fox, Creativity - Where the Divine and the Human Meet

Just came across this line in a Debbie Ford newsletter:  "Do you have a vision that is big enough for you?"